I started this repository of writings here due to a prolonged need and in a bid to get this swirling pool of thoughts and mental meanderings sorted and out of my system. Bear in mind, this is most likely not going to be well organized or well written, for this is merely an outlet for me to vent my mind and heart in a very free-flowing manner.
In this first post, I am confronted by the fact that I am in a state of limbo, of purgatory, of quasi unease of what is to unfold over the coming weeks and months of this strange year, both on a professional and personal level.
On the professional level, my contract with my last workplace ended, and with that, I know not of what to expect what is to come from my niche career background (bioethics). On one hand, I do know what progression I wish to undertake - to deepen this specialisation in similar organizations and in similar roles. However, seeing how niche this field is in Singapore, the options are limited, and the openings even more limited. On other hand, I also wish to strike it out in other hitherto untouched areas, ranging from banking on the increasing trend of AI and its ethics, to previously-explored areas of interfaith organizations and marketing/sales in Cardistry. The process of the job hunt is relentless, tedious, yet one must keep up the spirits, retain morale and mental sharpness, lest any opportunities come by. The cycles of making tailored applications, the rush to prepare for interviews, waiting, realizing your efforts came to naught and so on is a real test of one's psychological grit and resilience. Even before any actual work is done and any actual dollar is earned. And, one remains largely alone in this battle, for others can only give advice and provide listening ears. The struggle continues and I must face it alone and draw all my resources, while remaining mentally and emotionally healthy. I must and will come out of this, better than how I first entered, stronger, wiser and richer with more experience. I must and will make this work, somehow. Will to power, Ling!!!
On a personal level, with me turning 30 years old this year, I found myself in a very strange place. I only just graduated with my long overdue degree last July, at 29 years old. I have been wanting to study Philosophy in an academic setting since I was 17 or so. So, unsurprisingly, my time at NTU was absolutely amazing and I felt it to be one of my peak moments. However, that is now done and over and I must step out of it, enriched and happy that I have fulfilled my wish. I must now find a new spark in my post-NTU life that can be translated to something professional, which is a tough call, considering the joys of philosophy are immense and lasting. And, that the philosophically-trained mind of mine sees through things to its absolute and barest element in almost an instant. This spark have to withstand this jaded and merciless mind of mine. Agreeably late and I have to contend with myself retracting back a few steps as compared to my counterparts. Most of them already with considerable experience and the middle of their career progressions...
Even without considering careers and professional matters, I also have had to contend myself with another kind of regression. My counterparts are increasingly engaged or married, with their own homes, generally moving on with life, even without the factor of having children or not. Meanwhile, I am still seeing the same bedroom window view as I did when I was fucking 13 years old. I really want life to get moving and me going places. After the separation with an ex-partner in August 2013, I did not immediately have the good fortune nor was I in an entirely good emotional state to find another worthy person to be with and to grow with. It was only in 2017-2018 that I met K. K is great, I really do enjoy spending time with K, his calm and thoughtful demeanor is therapeutic. His insights valuable and thoroughly sensible. I am very happy and thankful to have met him, to have him in my life and I absolutely cannot wait to see how our relationship unfold as it matures. K's professional endeavor just recently picked up and he has to deal with the stresses and challenges that come along with it. Having seen his efforts and energies spent in his company, it is in my everyday wish and hope that it will all work out and he will then enjoy the fruits of his labour. For the worry that he already has too much on his plate and that he is already mostly tired, I am apprehensive of bringing up questions about the pragmatic aspects of our relationship. Matters that deal with concrete issues of co-habitation and even marriage. Or even plainly - does he see a future with me in the picture? Or even more plainly that I just desire an increase of intimate moments, beyond routine of watching of shows together at his lair and the occasional (and increasingly rare) outing. Perhaps, I will echo an above statement - "I will make this work, somehow"?
Back to me feeling that I am in a strange place in this time, I just feel that I am almost constantly playing catch-up with my peers. This started when I performed with sub-par results at A Levels and had to go to a polytechnic and consequently got stuck in a career that I never intended to have. And happened again when I had a hiccup in the partner timeline...
Maybe things sometimes do not happen in a linear and tidy fashion with one milestone neatly laid out one after another, as per society mandated or expected. That things will happen in their own due time, when my own potential finally aligns with a satisfying prospect. Haruki Murakami only found his calling and realised his potential for writing when he's in his late 30s, at the most unexpected place. And, love-life is even more volatile. Maybe I should keep my mind open and just keep going at it - life. I will find my feet on solid ground , my heart and mind revitalized with a clear path in my next chapter.
Walk on, Ling. Walk on.
In this first post, I am confronted by the fact that I am in a state of limbo, of purgatory, of quasi unease of what is to unfold over the coming weeks and months of this strange year, both on a professional and personal level.
On the professional level, my contract with my last workplace ended, and with that, I know not of what to expect what is to come from my niche career background (bioethics). On one hand, I do know what progression I wish to undertake - to deepen this specialisation in similar organizations and in similar roles. However, seeing how niche this field is in Singapore, the options are limited, and the openings even more limited. On other hand, I also wish to strike it out in other hitherto untouched areas, ranging from banking on the increasing trend of AI and its ethics, to previously-explored areas of interfaith organizations and marketing/sales in Cardistry. The process of the job hunt is relentless, tedious, yet one must keep up the spirits, retain morale and mental sharpness, lest any opportunities come by. The cycles of making tailored applications, the rush to prepare for interviews, waiting, realizing your efforts came to naught and so on is a real test of one's psychological grit and resilience. Even before any actual work is done and any actual dollar is earned. And, one remains largely alone in this battle, for others can only give advice and provide listening ears. The struggle continues and I must face it alone and draw all my resources, while remaining mentally and emotionally healthy. I must and will come out of this, better than how I first entered, stronger, wiser and richer with more experience. I must and will make this work, somehow. Will to power, Ling!!!
On a personal level, with me turning 30 years old this year, I found myself in a very strange place. I only just graduated with my long overdue degree last July, at 29 years old. I have been wanting to study Philosophy in an academic setting since I was 17 or so. So, unsurprisingly, my time at NTU was absolutely amazing and I felt it to be one of my peak moments. However, that is now done and over and I must step out of it, enriched and happy that I have fulfilled my wish. I must now find a new spark in my post-NTU life that can be translated to something professional, which is a tough call, considering the joys of philosophy are immense and lasting. And, that the philosophically-trained mind of mine sees through things to its absolute and barest element in almost an instant. This spark have to withstand this jaded and merciless mind of mine. Agreeably late and I have to contend with myself retracting back a few steps as compared to my counterparts. Most of them already with considerable experience and the middle of their career progressions...
Even without considering careers and professional matters, I also have had to contend myself with another kind of regression. My counterparts are increasingly engaged or married, with their own homes, generally moving on with life, even without the factor of having children or not. Meanwhile, I am still seeing the same bedroom window view as I did when I was fucking 13 years old. I really want life to get moving and me going places. After the separation with an ex-partner in August 2013, I did not immediately have the good fortune nor was I in an entirely good emotional state to find another worthy person to be with and to grow with. It was only in 2017-2018 that I met K. K is great, I really do enjoy spending time with K, his calm and thoughtful demeanor is therapeutic. His insights valuable and thoroughly sensible. I am very happy and thankful to have met him, to have him in my life and I absolutely cannot wait to see how our relationship unfold as it matures. K's professional endeavor just recently picked up and he has to deal with the stresses and challenges that come along with it. Having seen his efforts and energies spent in his company, it is in my everyday wish and hope that it will all work out and he will then enjoy the fruits of his labour. For the worry that he already has too much on his plate and that he is already mostly tired, I am apprehensive of bringing up questions about the pragmatic aspects of our relationship. Matters that deal with concrete issues of co-habitation and even marriage. Or even plainly - does he see a future with me in the picture? Or even more plainly that I just desire an increase of intimate moments, beyond routine of watching of shows together at his lair and the occasional (and increasingly rare) outing. Perhaps, I will echo an above statement - "I will make this work, somehow"?
Back to me feeling that I am in a strange place in this time, I just feel that I am almost constantly playing catch-up with my peers. This started when I performed with sub-par results at A Levels and had to go to a polytechnic and consequently got stuck in a career that I never intended to have. And happened again when I had a hiccup in the partner timeline...
Maybe things sometimes do not happen in a linear and tidy fashion with one milestone neatly laid out one after another, as per society mandated or expected. That things will happen in their own due time, when my own potential finally aligns with a satisfying prospect. Haruki Murakami only found his calling and realised his potential for writing when he's in his late 30s, at the most unexpected place. And, love-life is even more volatile. Maybe I should keep my mind open and just keep going at it - life. I will find my feet on solid ground , my heart and mind revitalized with a clear path in my next chapter.
Walk on, Ling. Walk on.
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